It has been a long time since I posted. We have made it through the chaos of Covid. Time passes so quickly. We lose people to death, we forget to take a moment to just breathe, to remember the simple things. Beauty surrounds us and we tend to overlook it, always looking for something better. Materialistic ideas overshadow the natural beauty that God has created.

A sunset over the ocean, a rainbow after the rain, a clear blue sky, green foilage in the spring to bright reds, yellows, and oranges in the fall or a full moon in a starlit sky. When was the last time you stood still and looked at any of these?

The sounds of crickets, birds chirping, wind rustling the leaves, or a frogs croak on a warm summer night. When was the last time you stood still and listened?

Cotton candy, an ice cream cone, watermelon, a cookout/bbq, or cobbler. Sweet tastes of the seasons. When was the last time you stopped to savor the taste?

Fresh cut grass, fragrant flowers, sweet perfume, scented candles and fresh laundered clothes. When was the last time you breathed in and lingered in the scents around you?

A slight breeze, a raindrop on your skin, warmth of the sun on your face, the salty waves on your feet, or the wet sand between your toes. When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel?

We go through life, not living but doing. As we become adults, we forget and leave behind the child like innocence that allowed us to see the world around us. We work, we pay bills, we move through life. We don’t dance through like we once did, we don’t giggle at silly things most days, we aren’t silly and imaginative, we aren’t bold and full of awe at something as simple as a dandelion blowing in the wind as it carries our wishes.

We need to remember, for soon enough life will fade, we will be someone else’s memory. Make those memories count not only for them, but for you.

Simplicity, powerful when we remember why it was all simple at one point. Breathe and don’t forget to stop and smell the roses, pick the weeds and make a wish; that child in you still wants to run in the rain, splash in the puddles and giggle without a care.

Angel Evans

06/22/23

It has been a while since I have posted anything. Life tends to do that, busy, busy, busy and then time just slips quietly by. Recently, I have watched my friends and family far and wide face many things, some good, some bad. In witnessing their strengths and weaknesses it made me think about how quickly life goes by.  We tend to get busy with work, chores, social media… the list goes on…what we fail to do is pause…to enjoy life.

Death is imminent, we will not escape it and once it is upon us there are no more tomorrows to enjoy life. There are no more next time I wills, so instead of living life planning for the future, we need to live for the moment. To enjoy each day that we have, nothing is promised, except that it will end some day.

I watch my great nieces and I think how wonderful it is to have so much innocence at almost 2 1/2 years old and  almost 6 months old. How magical life can be seeing so much for the first time and yet I know that unless we teach them otherwise, in time that beautiful innocence fades into a life that has sped by. Pause to watch a child play, to hear them when they call for you, to throw leaves up in the air in a moment that seems so magical or to hear their laughter as bubbles are blown. Pause to see innocence at its best and smile as you remember your own.

Cancer and illnesses rob us of precious moments with loved ones and ourselves, fight for the laughter and the happiness, the negativity already exists in the situation. Love as hard as long as you can.

Drugs and addiction steal the souls of loving children, parents… fight for the life that is inside and know that you have done your part, you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped, but addiction can be overcome and so for the addicts fight, your life is worth that fight.

For the abused, fight to get out and stay out, fight for your self worth and fight for your independence. You will survive and you will become stronger…I know I did…no it was not easy but I thank God I am here to tell my story.

For the bullied, no one has the power to effect you unless you grant them the power to do so. FIGHT!! You are not weak, you are strong and you are worth it. Do not let those who try to cove you in darkness snuff out your light….you can shine so fight!!

For those who are just afraid, who feel alone, who feel they cannot go on…yes you can…I will always be willing to talk you through things as I am sure others would too. Don’t ever give up hope, for when we have lost hope there is nothing else.

Our youth need us to guide them, we need the morals from 20-30 years ago (let’s not get to technical I may feel old if we do) to be instilled upon them. We have some very misguided kids coming up in this generation (though not all are like this), entitlement and greed are just a few things they are portraying in today’s society. they are lost in social media, lost in a world that we have let them slip into that doesn’t demand self-respect. Help them, guide them, lead them to better decisions, it IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY!

No matter what love yourself, love one another and most of all don’t forget to pause to remember simpler times, to remember a time when life was good and pause to reflect on the happiest moments you can. Tomorrow is not promised and the past is a memory. Today is what we have so love whole-heartedly and make the best of each moment…you define your happiness… no one else.

 

Forever thankful for my childhood, forever thankful for my family!!

Angel Evans 06/06/2019

 

I know that this topic affects so many and yet it is something few truly understand. I will not pretend to personally know the physical forms of self harm, though there are many: cutting, burning, scratching just to name a few. Then there are eating disorders that also affect many, and yet again so few understand.

To know someone who harms themselves is to see a side of pain that is debilitating. As much as they crave to release the pain, you crave to heal their pain. To see the scars on their skin and to see the ache that engulfs their daily lives is in itself unbearable at times. I personally want to hug them until the fear and insecurities are no more, to assure them that no matter how tough they feel life is, it does get better and not all days are dark.

Yet in that moment they are trapped and need to feel a release from the crippling grip so they think harming themselves helps and hurts no one else. Sadly, this is far from the truth. The pain is felt by those who love them. In my case with each scar, each drop of blood shed and each silent tear that falls, a part of me feels it too.

Then there are the ones who have been hurt and have lost their sense of self-worth. Those who have suffered tragedies, who have been body shamed, bullied or violated. Those who try to fit in by becoming the “thin’ one or those who have given up and become the “fat” one. In a society where image becomes more important than humanity, we all are subject to it sometimes. Those who cannot cope, who live it day in and day out are the true victims.

To feel unwanted, unloved and unworthy is tragic. How many of you know someone who has self-harmed, has an eating disorder, or yearns to be accepted? Of those people how many have you reached out to, encouraged, mentored and gave hope? We cannot keep watching people wither like wilted flowers, we cannot continue to look away when there are so many cries for help if we just open our ears, hearts and minds.

Their scars tell a story, read it, listen to it, and be the person they can talk to, sometimes that is all it takes.  Scars come in many forms, but scars and wounds can heal with the right amount of love, patience and time. Don’t judge, it is not our place to do so, don’t criticize for someday you may need acceptance, encouragement and love, and never forget that we are all human. Our hearts all beat, our blood flows and we all need a little sunshine sometimes. Be that light for someone, you may be the one who can lift them from the shadows in their darkest moments.

Live, love, laugh and light

For those  I love that need that light!!

Angel Evans

 

Happy New Year. The  year 2017 was not what I had hoped for as I never wanted my baby to leave. Dobby may not be here physically but he is with me in spirit and every memory is with me just as if it happened moments ago. For those wondering, yes his ashes (all of them) still go with me everywhere I go. He has now been to Six Flags in Ga., Carowinds, Myrtle Beach, the mountains, if I go he goes and if anyone should ever say he can’t accompany me then I will not go.  In his life, he could not go much due to his health so he will go now. Call me weird or think it’s odd but for me, he is mine and he will never be forgotten or left behind.

I still have horrible days filled with extreme anxiety and when others lose their babies human or fur, my heart breaks for them in such an unexplainable way.

2018 has already proven that no one is immune to heartbreak and loss and that even as we continue to breathe, when we lose a loved one the peace and comfort seems so far beyond reach. Words of kindness pour in, even from complete strangers but our hearts still feel such emptiness and the words echo and tears fall.

I pray, for those that are currently in the raw moments of loss, a form of peace, some sense of comfort and solace can wrap around you and get you through. No loss is ever easy, but when they are your child or like your own child the loss can prove to be almost unbearable. I pray that you are uplifted and can find love surrounding you as you grieve. Don’t stop remembering and don’t stop sharing even when it hurts.

“Never Goodbye”

I watched your breath leave and your eyes close forever,

Yet somehow I know our love was one that even death cannot sever.

In the coming days, months and years I hope that I feel your presence wherever I may go

I will see you once again when it is my time this I already know

For it was never goodbye and only until I see you again,

Forever in my heart, always on my mind, until then.

ABE 01/06/2018

 

 

As Thanksgiving approaches, I am finding that this year with a broken heart, I am still thankful for so much. I miss my baby and November made four months without him. I will never be ok without him, but I am continuing to move forward. I am thankful for his little life that was way to short.

I realized that no matter how much or how little we have that there is always room to be humble. Do I want things? Sure, most everyone does, but do I need anything? No, I have a home, transportation, food and family. I have all that I need but others are not so fortunate. There are people all around starving, living in less than ideal conditions, and sadly most go unnoticed. My mama and daddy(oh how I miss him right now) taught me something very valuable growing up. They taught me to work for what I have and to always help others even if I didn’t have much to give. Sometimes all I have is a prayer, a hug or even just a smile but, I still give. Growing up we were not wealthy, in fact poverty is a good description of what we lived in. There were times when we barely had food, heat was scarce and water non-existent either due to contamination or frozen pipes. It was not an easy life, but it shaped me into who I have become.

We were fortunate to have people in our lives who shared and gave for us, those who helped my parents when they were at the lowest point. For those people, I am thankful. We faced tough times but we always managed. I am grateful that my nephews and nieces do not know the hardships we had, to them being broke has a totally different meaning. They have never been without food, they have gotten much of what they wanted and maybe I do spoil them, but I am able to do so because I learned early to work hard and to give selflessly. They are a huge part of me. I may not see all of them, but my love for them is beyond measure. I can only hope someday they all learn the importance of saving, giving and being humble. It was truly the one lesson that I can use everyday.

Forgiveness, even when we feel it is unwarranted is yet another gift. Not always to the person or situation we are extending it to, but the healing of bitterness within our own walls. Maybe to some it is too hard, but letting go of anger, resentment, hatred etc. is cleansing, uplifting and empowering. By releasing the negativity, we can make room for happiness and peace. If there is someone or something holding you back from your joy, forgive and move forward. Life is too short to have it all wasted on something you cannot change or control.

Don’t waste precious time, make memories with your loved ones, you will not get lost time back!!

I have embarked on an adventure in sewing. I love it, I may even be a little obsessed with fabrics and patterns, but I am having fun. I hope that it continues to be something I love and that I can do for a longtime. I am thankful for supportive family and friends.

I am moving forward, trying to find my purpose, but I feel lost. Changes are needed but I don’t know where to go at this point so pray and send positive thoughts my way!

Remain humble, kind and forgiving!

With Love Always, Angel

 

Change is needed. I watch my social media news feed as it overflows with what my friends are doing, interested in, or feeling. It scares me. The hatred, division and negativity is heartbreaking. I have watched people, who once were friends for decades, turn away from one another in anger. While I am not naïve and I realize there are people who see the color of someone’s skin or sees a person’s sexuality as a definition of who someone is, I do not. A human being should be defined by the person they are, what comes from within. Outer appearance and beliefs should not be a defining characteristic, yet it happens to often.

I have been judged many times in my life by the clothes I wore, the people I befriended, and my own personal choices and beliefs. Did it hurt? Of course it did at times, but if I had let my anger guide me, my life would not be what it is today, in fact I most likely would not be breathing. As a domestic abuse survivor, I can tell you I have suffered many horrific things. Sadly, some who read this will judge and say that I should have gotten out sooner, left when it started. I have heard it all and frankly unless you walk in those shoes you don’t have the slightest idea how you would truly handle it.  The point is I did not let the abuse and near fatal situation define who I have become. I refused to let it define me and I broke the cycle and made a change, not everyone is that lucky. We need a change and it must start in our homes, with our youth and within our communities.

The violence is escalating, it is in every community and it appears to be worse in impoverished communities. Growing up, we had disagreements and I honestly only remember maybe three incidents where guns came into play. Of course, that does not mean violence didn’t happen nor does it mean that was every occasion that it occurred, but it does mean that it was not advertised or spewed all over for people to share on social media. Families now find out about loved ones murders, accidents etc. on social media. Graphic pictures posted in a time of grief. It is disturbing how unaffected people are, how desensitized to gore and heartache society has become. It is almost like a game, who can post the gossip first and get the most responses.

It is ironic we can come together on posts to gossip or share “news”, yet we cannot come together to embrace our communities and push forward for a better tomorrow. Our parents and grandparents use to visit friends and sit around the kitchen table talking and catching up, while kids rode bikes, played in creeks, used imaginations, and spent time outside being kids. Today, kids sit inside on phones, computers, tablets etc, playing games, sharing posts and cyber bullying in some cases. They have access to toxins such as drugs and alcohol like it is candy. It is disheartening to know what today’s youth are missing out on and how misguided they have become. I am almost willing to bet unless raised by their grandparents, most kids know very little about their family histories.

There are also the deadbeat parents who could not tell you their child’s birthday, what any of their favorites are, and sadly some could not tell you their children’s names. responsibility also seems to be a long forgotten characteristic. We have lost morality, we have lost compassion. We need a change, and it has to come from those who  are willing to make a difference. Twenty years ago was not that long ago and it is not hard to see that we changes that have impacted our cities, towns and families so negatively.

Change is needed, and we need to step up and make those changes. Turning our head and ignoring it is how we ended up here. Discipline has become non-existent as people fear the consequences that have been put in place to deter parenting and teaching. Our schools are failing kids because teachers are not supported and the morals of some teachers are extremely questionable. The school systems are testing kids until they are so disinterested in school that they skip, fail, or drop out. This has become normal, and when a child drops out people rarely blink now. There is no stimulation for their minds so they start contemplating what they can do for adventure and they are bored. Boredom, leads to mischief. Mischief leads to violence, accidents, crime.

Violence, drugs and senseless deaths have saturated our communities and lives have been lost at accelerated rates. Mothers, fathers, siblings and friends left grieving with anger and hurt. We need a change. If you want to get on social media and share, then share that a change is needed. Share ideas on how to make that change. My heart breaks for my friends whose children’s lives were taken too soon. Learn where your children are, what they are doing and who they are with. Be the parent that intervenes, so what if your child gets angry, they will get over it, but most importantly maybe they will have a better chance at survival.

The change starts with us and if we don’t start now we will not see a future. Violence, anger and discrimination will destroy what is left. The past is behind us, don’t dwell there, move forward and move with positive steps. We can change, we can be the change that is needed, if we come together to do so. The past does not define us if we choose to be better and different in our futures.

Angel Evans

 

It has been a bit since I wrote. I’m still carrying my baby with me everywhere, no I am not ready to put him down. I am thinking I may never be ready, but I am thinking I am ok with that. I love him so much and I miss his little life everyday. Randomly a picture or memory will surface and it either knocks me to my knees or it reminds me that he is here in all I do. He is always going to be my heartbeat.

This has been a sad few days, two young lives lost and many young lives impacted. My nephew’s half sister and her fiancé were tragically taken too soon in a car accident. While every death is hard, young lives cut short seem to be harder. It was a reminder of those I personally knew that left too soon when I was their age. I don’t think that loss ever truly heals.  Life is not a promise, it is borrowed time and if we squander  it away on useless things, bad people and wrong decisions and fail to share our love to our families and friends it is wasted. Don’t think you are invincible, don’t take life for granted. tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

We spend most of our lives looking back, wishing we could change this, that or the other and we forget to look forward to the change we can be, the hope we may be to someone. We fail ourselves by yearning for what might have been, what should have or could have happened. Instead we should be moving forward, even if one step at a time,, reaching out to lend a helping hand to our family, friends, and neighbors.

If you continue to look down you will miss the blessings coming, if you look back you will miss something amazing around the corner. It is ok to reminisce on memories and stir up nostalgia, but don’t focus on events from the past that affected you negatively, wishing for a different outcome. It will never come. It is in the past, the past cannot become the future. Love with all you are, move forward, give when you can, show respect in all you do and always remain humble and full of kindness. You may be someone’s only hope, their only beacon of light in a dismal world. Become the change you were meant to be.

Angel

I am still trying to cope, not that it has worked thus far. Have I placed his ashes in their spot? No. I’m not sure when or if I will. He goes where I go, he is in my heart for sure and I will see him again some day, but for now he goes where I go. I am not crying everyday like I was but my heart still is shattered, little things still cause so much grief and I don’t know that I will ever be okay without him.

I am told time will help, I am told it will be ok, take as long as I need. Well I need a lifetime I think. He is always close in thought and as if I haven’t cried enough tears, I now have unexplainable tears. I am nursing a concussion, and apparently this unexplained crying is a result of this injury. More tears, ha! Crying makes my head hurt so I really don’t want to cry more. It is but isn’t funny how this concussion came about.

Bad food and unsanitary practices at a restaurant sparked me to look for the grade of said restaurant. Oh I found it, 97.5 in case you are curious, but as I turned to exit the restaurant, I missed the door by a mile and walked right into the glass window next to the door. Think horrible human version of bird hitting window in the Windex commercials. I mean, ok, I have to hand it to them at least the windows were clean, their food handling practices not so much.  I now am experiencing nausea, dizziness and the inability to focus for long. Medication for pain and nausea and resting my brain are the doctors orders. It makes work a bit hard, since using my brain to concentrate, problem solve etc is a huge part of my daily job.

I am resting now, I am missing my baby and I am focusing on my newest endeavor of sewing and machine embroidery. I am trying to get through this. I worry every single day about my family. My mama, still not quite over being sick. Now my sister passing kidney stones. I worry daily about my husband, mama, sister, brothers and my precious nieces and nephews. Time flies and they grow and as they continue their journey, each one with their own unique path, I worry.

I have family scattered near and far and I worry. I have friends that I cherish like family and I worry. I worry by nature and I love with my existence, so I am not good at not worrying or caring about those in my life. Life is short, love is eternal.

Live  like there is no tomorrow, Love with all that you are, let go of anger, resentment, bitterness and guilt for when your sun sets none of those things will matter.

Angel

Earlier today, I read a post from a friend that bothered me and though it was not addressed towards me, it annoyed me on so many levels. Dobby is not my pet, he is not my dog. He is my child, our child, our son and our baby.

I don’t care what the training world believes or what the proper way to treat an animal as deemed by the professionals may be. Dobby spent his life being loved, cherished, and catered to. His healthcare ran into thousands of dollars because we would have gone completely broke to save his life time and time again. He was our life, we planned around his needs. Dobby’s allergies prevented him from going outside and his pancreatitis prevented him from living normally. We gave him our all to give him as much quality of life as possible and I would do it a million times over if I could.

To those who think I am wrong for calling him my baby, let me correct you now. He is and will always be my baby even though he left this world too soon. I knew his habits, his quirks, his needs better than some human mothers know their human children. I knew his face, the wrinkled brow when he had a headache, the mole that he would bump and it would bleed because he sneezed too hard and his mouth hit the floor. I knew his scar from where we almost lost him due to a blockage. I knew every freckle on his belly, the skin tags that popped up almost overnight. I knew the soft fur between his toes, the one black toenail while the others were white, the receded gum line on the left side, the paper-thin tongue he kissed so lovingly with, the ear that always was up unless he was in trouble or sleeping and the freckles across his nose. I knew when he was sick, when he was pouting, playful, curious or just needed love. Why?? Because I was and am his mama. He is and will forever be my baby.

The advice you give to people may fit your training life but it does not fit a pet parents life. There is a difference between a pet owner and a pet parent, you see it how you will but from a heartbroken mama’s perspective I see it as a loss of my child, a void that cannot be filled.

I am his mama, and Dobby Abu Evans is and always will be my BABY!!

Angel

22 days. 22 days I have missed my baby, 22 days I have felt immense pain, grief and emptiness. Is it any easier? Absolutely NOT. My anxiety, I feel is worse, I don’t know how to get through this. Meds help, but only when I can take them at night, can’t take them at work. Everything frustrates me, but I still get up everyday and try to cope my way through. I miss my baby and it is not getting easier. One step, one second at a time.

I am at a point that I feel lost. I have plans to honor my baby’s life and memory, it will happen. Overwhelmed is an understatement.  I still cannot place his ashes in their spot, I still keep him with me. I don’t have the courage yet. Someday maybe, but not today and most likely not tomorrow. The world still moves around me, I still do my job, yet I am lost. I have amazing support, family and friends far and near have been great. I just can’t cope or at least not very progressively. I assume since I am still breathing and somewhat functioning that is a sign that I am getting through this, but I don’t really feel like I am.

Life is short. Please love and laugh and make memories, for in the end that is all we really have. God is my only saving grace, praying I can find the comfort I need.

Angel